Brokenness

Joy is supernatural. So we can’t drum it up.

But what if joy seems to disappear? Is that because the LORD has departed? Or have we ignored Him for a prolonged time and therefore He has be relegated to the back burner, leaving our fire, passion – and joy – behind as we trudge ahead in our own strength? Or has some reality crept in that robs us of joy as we navigate between the world, the flesh and the devil?

I seem to be in mid-life crisis. At 54 I guess that means I’m running a little behind. I just recently woke up to the fact that I’m over 50, aging and I’ve not accomplished what I hoped to do and time is running out!

The clock seems to be running and I’m slowing down.

My joy is only in the LORD and it is complete in Him. I haven’t slipped from obedience, faith or love for Him. But reason is telling me I need to make a shift in my strategy for living. Not because I’m tired, because I’m not. But because I doubt my ability to achieve what’s in my heart to achieve and I’m not sure how to move forward.

I think what GOD is doing is sending me a reality check: what am I doing with my time and is it worthwhile?

As the proverbial clock ticks, I’ve not got any answers. I know ‘in whom I have believed’ and of Him I have no doubts. I do have doubts about myself though. I don’t write this to receive kind words of encouragement but to share that we can all, from time to time (or only once in our lifetime), have doubt – not of the LORD but of ourselves. How I am navigating through this is probably not the way to recommend: I’m hiding. But on the other hand, in my hiding I am putting my focus on others. I’ve just got less overall intention than in the past and I’m wondering if this is a permanent change.

So, the brokenness I’m experiencing is a bit like shattered crockery – it isn’t going to go back together in the same way it existed before. My faith is the glue. Though I have little hope right now, experience teaches me that this time will pass. Scripture says “I will shine forth like gold” – eventually. As I navigate through the present, I try to enjoy a moment of solitude, stillness, and pray.

To anyone to whom this all makes perfect sense, I say we hang on together, knowing the ebb and flow of life and God’s love will carry us through. For me, I’m just not sure where I’m going to end up. And in that, is a brokenness only God can repair.

God bless.

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4 thoughts on “Brokenness

  1. Your ministry is clearly encouraging, as seen through your blog ….. Every blessing – as you bless so you will be blessed. It isn’t why we reach out but it is because we have a wonderful father God.

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